Revolving doors spit me into a cathedral-like entry, complete with shiny marble floors, and people with cheery smiles pasted on their faces like those paraffin lips you get at the drugstore. I start to walk toward the elevators. The signs hint that all is not as cheery as first thought. Oncology and Surgery waiting rooms are straight ahead. An antiseptic smell permeates the corridor, so strong that I wonder if I’ll see it in the air. I can’t keep my eyes from sliding to the right, where the surgery waiting room is filled to capacity. People sitting in small groups, huddled, worried, and frightened, slip past my vision as I try to hurry past unnoticed. Faces look up at me, searching for answers I don’t have. Quiet whispers follow me down the hallway until, finally, I see the elevator and step on. I hear the ding and the doors whoosh open. Suddenly I have to again navigate through unfamiliar territory, to room 4407. I make it to my grandmother’s room, where I find her sitting up and ready to leave. After a much faster trip back the way I had come, we are in the car. It feels good, like freedom.
I used the technique of writing a travel narrative from my own point of view. I tried to convey that my location appeared cheery at first, but was not, once inside. To involve the reader, I added specific sensory details, such as the antiseptic smell and the people with worried body language. I added my reactions to the sights and sounds and my moments of insight. For example, the surgery visitors looking toward me with momentary hope. I think this technique impacted the reader in several ways. First, the location starts as a mystery, causing them to guess where I might be. Next, I involved them with details to help them envision the location and what happens there. Details include sights, sounds, and smells, but also my own fears and observations. Lastly, I tried to remind them of a shared or similar experience with a hospital or care facility.
I agree with every thing in your second paragraph except for the cheery atmosphere at the begining. You described the entry as being like a cathedral which has more of a solemn and reserved connotation rather than a cheery one. Other than that your pragraph was very good, I especially liked the way you described almost being able to see the smell of the antiseptics in the air.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your claim, at first one could not tell where you were at. Yet, once you described the place more I knew exactly where you were which is the purpose of your technique. As I was reading your preview paragraph I could easily visualize the place you were in. However, you didn’t describe the different colors. What colors were in the building? You described the people’s faces very well, setting the mood of the hospital. - “People sitting in small groups, huddled, worried, and frightened, slip past my vision as I try to hurry past unnoticed.” One thing I did not agree with , is when you stated “complete with shiny marble floors, and people with cheery smiles pasted on their faces like those paraffin lips you get at the drugstore” I could not fully grasp , what you were trying to say. The concept of the cheery faces and the cathedrals door do not go with the hospitals atmosphere. Over all, your preview and supporting paragraph were good and supported all your techniques.
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